After attending some counselling courses, I realised that I need to talk it out so to help myself from the trauma I experienced.

It was a sunny morning. Me and Josephine were lying on her bed. Suddenly I saw her fell and sat on the side of the bed while she was getting ready to the market.

Saliva came out of her mouth.She was lost of speech when I asked her what happened.
Then I shouted to my father, just when he was holding 2 eggs, getting ready to the market for his breakfast. He never thought it was serious, I was left with my mom, having her head on my palms. and Jo, still on the bed.

Next scene was:
I was running alone along a rough path to the Tampin Hospital , which was around 2 km away from my house.
I was crying and running out of breadth. Thinking nothing, just wanted to see her.

On reaching the Hospital, I rushed into the ward, seeing her lying on the bed. some doctors were around her. I knew nothing, yet I wanted to know how was everything. I was ignored.

Next scene:
My grandma, eldest Auntie, and a few others were gathering under a tree in the hospital compound. My eldest auntie said something like: "you bad luck, bad life, No mother then you know". ( She seemed very firece to me, I was 9 years old. I am never fond of her )

Next scene:

I was playing with Josephine and another sister on a bench in the hospice compound. suddenly somebody knocked very hard on my head. I turned to see the "witch, eldest auntie, cried and shouted at me: "you no mother bad life lor". The impact of loosing my mother was not so severe than her knock on my head.

Next scene:

She was lying on a low plank( or bed?) in our shop. All my siblings were crying, shaking her and calling her to come alive: MAAAAAAA, mammaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........,

Then I saw her tear drops flowing down her cheeks. she was sent back by the doctors, proclaimed dead.yet she was crying. I saw the tears. That couldn't be denied.
I wiped off her tears. It kept flowing, I kept wiping, it kept flowing..............She must have missed us very much..........

Next scene:

It was the funeral.

So many of us, there were my 4 younger sisters, 6 elder brothers and sisters. I remembered the "Saikong",
the walking around the coffin.,
the throwing of the ash.,
my uncles and aunties' long and fierce faces.,
my mother's high-heel shoes under the coffin.,
my father's crying at the back of the staircase..............,
How to dress the funeral attire so I could look nice to the young and handsome saikong.,
the photo taking, where to stand to get a better view of myself....
( AIyoooooooooo!!! I was so childish)

Next scene:

At night after the funeral, I ran to search for my eldest sister who was married and stayed in another place. They were sleeping. I was crying outside her window, longing for something, trying to get to somebody. Then I ran home again, scared of ghosts, dared not sleep. where have all my siblings gone? I had no ideas.


Thats all I could remember.

Whenever I heard the song: "Mama is good", I couldn't stop crying in my heart. The loss is deep. I couldn't help myself to think of : "I have no mother"


Praise the Lord, after the lost of my dear mom, my father forced all of us to church. There I found Jesus's love.

It takes years to heal. Finally, God does a mighty work in me.

THANK YOU,JESUS.